I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
