You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
