They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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