My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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