her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
