i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
