Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
