if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
