Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
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