I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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