I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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