i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
dude i'm inner monologue high
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
