Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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