Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
