No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
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