i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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