You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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