Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i love accidental penises.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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