Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
