I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
