Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
