two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
