remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
im six kinds of drunk right now
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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