my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
