I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
