so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
