he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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