Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
don't judge my taste in strippers
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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