honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
please come you make the beer taste better
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
