i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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