Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
is wine microwaveable?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
