So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
