No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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