Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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