im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You took a bar mat shot.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
whose parrot is this?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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