Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
