That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
