I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
