obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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