My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
