I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
