my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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