i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
