at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
