I'm jealous of your bromance
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
