Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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