Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize