I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
i believe in u and ur pee
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
