My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
