so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
