We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
two words...techno handjob
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
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