i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
