I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
