1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
